


stand up and shout it out (if you want it)

by sarcastic_fangirl01



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I love this group, Let's go friendship!, Rated T for swearing, and for that reason I had to give them all my insecurities and problems, and it is said here, could be read as brotp or pre-slash, farah and todd totally did this when they were on the run, i still love them though don't get me wrong, not beta'ed, so i make it cannon now, they deserve everything, todd and dirk being lovable idiots, whatever you prefer, will probably continue with a more fluffy part but idek yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 06:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17802779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastic_fangirl01/pseuds/sarcastic_fangirl01
Summary: Because sometimes you just want to scream, and keep screaming, and never stop.





	stand up and shout it out (if you want it)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Legends" by Sleeping WIth Sirens

Dirk wanted to punch something. Preferably himself, but he figured that would hurt lots, so no, thank you.

It had to be said, he’s had a pretty stressful week. First, his light-blue jacket was torn by a bull on their last case, which was in itself a very bad thing to start. He also had to count that he almost electrocuted himself while going for a donut on his fridge, and that time this very Wednesday when he almost got run over by a circus van full of mocking clowns. Seriously, who the Hell runs a circus in the middle of the week? And oh, God forbid him to forget the leak on the ceiling that appeared right above his pillow without letting him sleep in peace, that _definitely_ can’t go unmentioned.

To sum it up, he was feeling like shit.

But today, it was a shittiest shit, because the Universe just couldn’t keep its goddamn mouth _shut_. He could feel it buzzing, over and over again asking him to go places, and do things, and talk to people that could potentially grant him or his friends another stay in the hospital. None of those were good options.

Usually it wouldn’t bother him, but it was a sensitive date. It was already a year since Blackwing last got hold of him, taking him back to those years that he so fervently wanted to forget. Dirk’s been thinking a lot about that lately, and about everything that involved his connection with the Universe, so it wasn’t a good time to come and ask more of him. More of his time, more of his energies, more of his _life_.

It was overwhelming. The imperious need of scratching that itch, but knowing that by doing so he could end up with a bleeding wound. And yeah, Dirk liked cases. It was his dream job, after all. But he’d been hating the Universe lately, so it wasn’t like he was in the best position to comply with its desires right now.

Dirk was currently sitting in his office. His Agency’s office, with the shiny brass sign with his name on it. His dream come true, as he liked to remind himself. Except that now, it felt more like a nightmare.

It was late, like _I-probably-should-be-dead-on-sleep_ kinda late. He lost his phone long ago in the piles of paperwork that flooded his desk, and he wasn’t feeling like doing any effort to find it either. He just knew that it was incredibly dark outside, with the clouds hiding the moon in the sky, covering it all with a mantle of shadows. Dirk would only be able to see the pavement and just a little part of the street if he tried to look out, the rest being only foggy darkness, right through the Agency’s windows. But he couldn’t allow himself such a view, not when he was in the middle of a contained breakdown.

It was hard to feel that much frustration inside without being able to let it out. Dirk didn’t want to worry his friends, specially when they couldn’t do anything to make it better. No one could. It was just the way things were, and he had learned a long time ago that if he couldn’t fix the problem, he could only ignore it until it went away.

Alright, it didn’t always work, and perhaps he might have earned a few headaches when the problem in question persisted, but he knew no other way to deal with it.

So now, Dirk was resting his head on his hands, his elbows firmly fixed in all the loose papers he didn’t know how to file anymore, and grabbing a handful of hair as he breathed slowly in and out to try and ease his nerves and make the tightness in his chest disappear.

As he said, a stressful week.

The sound of a bell made him look up immediately, wondering who could be in at this time of the night. Todd entered balancing two disposable cups in his hand while trying to successfully close the door with the other. He looked tired, but he still offered Dirk a greeting smile as he walked towards his desk. Dirk responded with a polite nod, picking a pen and a random paper to try and make himself look like he was working.

“Hi,” he smiled, hiding all the impotence and anger behind his trademark grin.

“Hey,” Todd said back, leaving a cup that smelled a lot like tea on the paper-free spot of his desk. “Farah told me you’d be doing the legal work this time, so I thought you’d need some help.”

“Is that help the drink or you?” Dirk teased while taking said drink closer to him. He could use something hot to release the tension.

“I’d say both. I figured you would have some problem filling out the forms─”

“Hey!” Dirk complained, jumping in his place for the indignation, obviously, and not because of his burned tongue. “I can do more than fine on my own. You are underestimating my adult abilities, Todd.”

Todd chuckled as he left his jacket in the back of his chair, leaning on his own desk nearby.

“Yeah?” he lifted an eyebrow, “How’s that going then?”

“Perfectly, I’d say.” Dirk grabbed a few pages of whatever he had closer to illustrate his point. “I’ve already filled all of this.”

“Dirk?” Todd tried to suppress a smile.

“Yeah?”

“Those are the Agency’s adverts.”

Dirk looked at what he had in his hands and, in fact, Todd was right. He had forgotten how they were talking about printing more of those just that morning. He left them on the desk with a sigh.

“Perhaps you’re right. I might need some help,” Dirk recognised frowning at the adverts as if they were the reason for all his problems.

“Are you alright?”

The question came out of nowhere, like a hit with a shovel right on the face. Unfortunately, Dirk knew about that, and he could say with all certainty that the shovel would’ve hurt less than the worried tone Todd had employed.

Dirk took care in carefully reconstructing the smile that he just dropped, but judging by his friend’s face, he wasn’t taking any of it. But you couldn’t blame him for trying nonetheless.

Dirk didn’t want him to worry. This wasn’t something he even _should_ worry about. The whole Universe thing and the stream of creation stuff, that was Dirk’s to deal with. Todd had no way of knowing what it felt like, and he was glad that he didn’t, because sometimes it could be exhausting. But because he didn’t understand, Dirk didn’t want him to share his worries. He didn’t deserve any of that. So he had to do anything in his power to convince him that there was nothing to stress about.

“I don’t believe you,” Todd said after Dirk’s lame attempt of an excuse. “You don’t look exactly like you’re having the best time of your life.”

“Well of course not, Todd, I’m filling forms!” Dirk emphasised by picking up some of the real papers on his desk. “Besides, if that is your way to say that I look like trash, I appreciate your honesty.”

“No, that’s─” Todd rolled his eyes, his signature gesture. “What I mean is that I’m sure there’s something bugging you.” His voice was a lot less filled with irritation, and it made Dirk want to run away.

“How could you know?” Dirk snapped, making Todd’s eyebrows raise in his forehead at the ferocity of his tone. He really wanted to keep faking, to wave his worries away with a silly comment and maybe a joke, but the words left his mouth before he could stop them. “How could you possibly know that I am having a problem, huh?”

“Well first off, your hair is a mess. Like, _‘I’ve-been-tugging-from-it-’_ kind of a mess.” Dirk unconsciously raised a hand to put the stray strands back in place. “You looked mildly desperate when I arrived and I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with the papers, and─ because I know you. You’re my... best friend, I mean, I know how you look like when you worry.” Todd’s look had softened while saying that, and Dirk only wanted to cry. “So, do you wanna─ uh, talk about it?”

Dirk let a deep sigh come out of him, and he felt himself deflate on the desk. He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to make himself come to terms with the fact that he was having this conversation. There was no way to make Todd get out of it now, because as grumpy as he could be, he was also very stubborn, which meant once he got into something he’d get to the bottom of it.

Stupid Todd, worrying for his friends and taking care of them…

“It’s just that─It’s been a stressful week,” Dirk mumbled through his hands, repeating the sentence that he'd already said thousands of times on his head. “A lot of stuff is happening all at once, and the Universe is practically yelling at me to do something that I don’t know what it is yet and that I don’t _want_ to know either.”

He threw himself back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling to avoid seeing Todd’s listening face. Maybe if he acted as if he wasn’t there, it’d be easier to take it out.

“It’s like I am in a room, and… everything is spinning. And I don’t know why, or who is making it spin, but I can’t stop it. And there’s a lot of people talking and, yelling. God, there is _a lot_ of yelling,” he chuckled, but it sounded weird in the silence of the building. “I really feel like I’m trapped, and I want to find some sense to the stuff happening around me, but I can’t and I just end up feeling even more lost than at the beginning.”

It's weird how sometimes time seems to change your surroundings. From morning to afternoon, the Agency was an illuminated place. Dirk always felt at home in there, almost as if his friends, the cases, all the aspects that made his work that incredible hugged him all at once. But now that the sun was out and that the artificial lights threw different lighting on everything, the place was a lot scarier than he remembered. his words, once he said them, were still floating in the air, with the same heaviness that weighted inside him. Dirk hated it, and he was begging his friend to say something, _anything_ , to make the effect of it fade away.

“But why?” Todd asked. And perhaps it wasn't the question he was expecting, but it was... a lot better than he thought it would go. Todd's voice was low, and concerned, but not in the way Dirk despised. He didn't sound like he was feeling pity, he sounded like a friend who wanted to help him out. Yes, that was definitely better.

“I don’t know,” he said, facing him for the first time since he started talking. He tried to find the correct words to express what's been circling in his mind for the last couple of days. “There’s just a lot of feelings in my chest, feelings I do not know how they got there or what caused them. I only know that I want them out but they won’t… let go.” Dirk lowered his look at his hands on his lap. When he spoke again, he closed them into fists, trying to dig his nails in his palms to let out some of the nerves he’s been holding. “I only want to take it all out, but I don’t know _how._ ”

And that was the big question really.

There would always be problems, and Dirk knew that. He couldn’t keep the bad stuff from happening, and he knew for sure there’d be more occasions like this one in his future. He wasn’t against that. That was how the Universe worked. But how could he get to let it all slip past him, slide on his skin like some sort of weird, humanoid dolphin that didn’t let problems get to his mind? He felt exhausted, almost like drowning in a sea of struggles that only wanted to take more and more of his being until there was nothing left.

Right now, the only thing he wanted was to _disappear_.

“Get up.”

The words were said out of a sudden. They were surprising, if not unexpected. It wasn’t a suggestion, it wasn’t even a request. It was an order.

Dirk watched as Todd stood on his feet, expectantly crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for him to do the same.

“Why?” he asked, although he complied anyway. Todd’s voice had been terminate when speaking, and he didn't feel like he could say no to him now.

“We’re going somewhere,” was his only answer. He turned around, walking to the front of the office, but not without flashing a smile at Dirk.

Todd took him to the alleyway next to the building and led him to the stairs that communicated the whole construction. Above the Agency, there were other flats where normal people who had nothing to do with their investigations lived their normally boring lives. They'd received many complains about the procedures of their business from their neighbours, so Dirk was a little confused as of what his friend wanted to do outside.

“Um, not that I want to be impatient or anything, but, where exactly are we going?” Dirk asked, eyeing the rat eating a piece of what he presumed was food next to the staircase.

Todd didn’t even look at it as he started going up. “Just follow me, okay?”

And Dirk reluctantly agreed.

They went up one, two, three, four stories, until they were on the terrace. Dirk had never been to that part of the building before. After the flying comet incident in the Briansouth Mansion’s case, he tried to stay as far from roofs or balconies as possible. But he couldn’t deny it had some charms.

There wasn’t anything special about it. The construction didn’t put much effort into it, this being evident by the half-tiled floor. There were bags of cement and sand piled up against the shed’s walls, along with some wires he supposed were for the phone and television. But the sky could be seen clearly from up there. The clouds were still above them, so he could barely catch the sight of any star, and from time to time a beam of moonlight filtered through them. But the air felt cleaner, and it went in and out of his lungs with more ease than inside of their office.

Todd was standing in the middle of it, both arms open at his side and a little smirk on display, looking as if he was the one responsible for the place’s existence. It was a cute view, but Dirks still had his doubts about all of this.

“I’m sorry Todd, I can see you’re clearly proud of bringing me here but, I still don’t see the _reason_ behind our little excursion.”

Todd sighed, walking over to where he was standing and even daring a few steps closer to the edge. Dirk wasn’t one to be afraid of heights, but he felt the sudden urge to grab him by his flannel shirt and bring him back to a safer part.

“We used to do this, with my friends.” Todd’s voice was low, so it was hard for Dirk to dissect what he was saying. His words were muffled by the wind, so it forced him to get closer to him. When he spoke again, it was obvious the embarrassment filled his tone. “Well, my bandmates, actually. When we went out on tour we had a lot of time in the motorway, so, it was an isolated place.”

Dirk found it easier to hear him now, being by his side, but he still remained quiet. He could count with one hand the times Todd had talked about his life before Amanda’s pararibulitis. He had always diverted the conversation or changed the subject abruptly whenever his past was brought on, so Dirk felt a little eager to hear what he had to say.

“Tour life is… it has a lot of tension. There're many things happening that make you want to end it all, like management problems, or instruments that don’t work, sometimes the people on the venues are hard to deal with… Anyway, it’s a lot to take in. And it made us feel very overwhelmed the first times. Hell, I felt overwhelmed most of the time,” he laughed, looking down at where his shoes were playing with the dried bits of cement. “So, sometimes, we felt like there was a lot of pressure on us. We felt… trapped.”

“And what did you do?” Dirk found himself interrupting in a whisper. He wasn’t even sure that Todd had heard him. The quick smirk told him that he did.

“We yelled,” he nodded. “Back on the road, we would uh, stop the van in the middle of nowhere and just… yell. Scream. Say whatever that could help us unbottle everything we had on our chest.” Todd made some gestures with his hands from his chest and out. “It helped us get back on track then, so maybe it would help you too. With your, you know, thing...”

Dirk's voice could be entirely gone by how silent he was. Todd was sharing a bit of his past, the time he wanted so hard to forget, only to help him out.  That itself was an important step in their relationship that he couldn't process. But it was yet a little confusing, what he was describing. Should he just scream into the void, waiting for someone to answer his questions about why life was so unfair? Perhaps just throw insults into the air, cursing everything he knew and everything he didn’t until he passed out for lack of oxygen? Or simply yell like a madman in hopes the neighbours didn’t call the police?

Yeah, he wasn’t going to risk that.

“Of course you might not want to do that,” Todd said suddenly, taking Dirk by surprise as he scratched the back of his head. “You might think it’s dumb and, Farah is probably expecting us to get down to work anyway...”

“No,” Dirk shook his head, putting a hand in his shoulder to stop his excuses. “No, I, I’d like to try that. I was just thinking about how to do it.”

Todd visibly relaxed once Dirk spoke.

“Here, let me show you.”

And before he could ask for instructions, Todd curved his hands around his mouth and yelled, “I hate to pay taxes!”

His voice sounded extremely loud, a complete opposite of their recent conversation. It nearly made Dirk jump in his place, and it certainly did scare the doves that gathered in the balconies and pooped on their cars every morning. The white-coloured birds passed flying and cooing right in front of them as Todd turned towards him with an easy smile.

Dirk couldn’t help but frown. “Is that your idea of a stressful thought?”

Todd laughed as he stepped back from the edge, much to Dirk’s relief. “That was the first thing I could think of. This is a process, we have to start with something light at first.”

“Okay...” Dirk nodded, giving a few steps forward with a stupid wave of bravery. “You mean, like this?”

Dirk imitated Todd’s posture from a few seconds ago before shouting, “Soy milk ruins the tea's original flavour!”

Todd laughed as he clapped behind him. “That was ridiculous.”

“You said it first, Todd,” Dirk reminded him. “It’s a _process_.”

Todd shook his head to the sides before standing next to Dirk.

“The costs for the parking lots are too high!”

Dirk snickered by his side before going for another try.

“There’s no thing such as too many jackets!”

Dirk felt Todd’s incredulous look going right through him.

“What? Farah and I had a fervent discussion about that, and I’m still not over with it.”

“You are incredible,” Todd chuckled. “Music nowadays is full with shit!”

“Oh, so we’re cursing now?” Dirk filled his lungs with air and let it all out with a: “There was no need to _fucking_ hit me with that shovel!”

“Cool, I like that,” Todd nodded with an amused smile. “Filling forms at 3 am should be illegal!”

“Fuck yeah, angry men!” a passer-by replied from the ground.

Both of them laughed, walking off from the edge.

They continued with the silly game, yelling their complaints to the sky and hoping nothing in return but a sense of freedom inside them. They began to walk around, shouting in turns whatever disgrace came to their minds.

At first it was something simple, such as…

“Why do people think it’s okay to skip the queues?!”

“Who the hell gave them permission to drive in the opposite direction?!”

“There shouldn’t be a lot of cats on the streets!”

“I want to retire and be a grumpy but young rich man!”

But with time they began to say deeper stuff, and Dirk felt how with every words his whole being felt a bit lighter.

“I hate not understanding this!”

“Why can’t I deal with emotions?!”

“The world seems to hate me for some reason!”

“Why do I have to have a disease!”

Todd was right, it was liberating. Dirk spoke loud and clear, fixing his eyes in the darkened sky as if he could yell at the Universe itself. As the complaints started to leave his lips, there was a new energy running in his body. It was invigorating, but also kinda scary. It spoke of revenge, forcing him to look at Reality in the eye and dare them to fuck with him once more.

Dirk felt incredible, frenziedly pacing up and down the terrace and throwing his hands in complicated motions to describe the feelings that flooded his words. There was something exciting about being able to do this, to just metaphorically kick his problems until they couldn’t get out, making his chest feel cleaner, his shoulders feel lighter and his entire body fill with a sense of kind violence that hurt no one around.

There were no consequences of their actions and Dirk found that to be more than relieving.

Todd had just screamed about his sister still not talking to him, about missing his family, about missing the person he was before fucking everything up. And Dirk was feeling bold, he felt reckless. So it wouldn’t hurt to just say something more...

“Why did it have to choose me?!” he yelled into the night sky, aiming his voice at the invisible force that represented the world they lived in. “If they need me so much, why do I have to suffer?! Isn’t it enough with making me get trapped by them, being experimented on?! Why did I have to be so lonely?!” There was a sudden silence, a silence that felt heavier than the one that preceded his words. “If everything happens the way it’s meant to be, than why did I have to suffer like this?”

He felt a shuffling somewhere close to him, but he couldn’t focus. His eyes were still fixed in some point above him, itching as a sign that tears were about to come.

“Why did I have to be alone?!”

“Dirk─”

“Why did you make this happen to me?!”

“Dirk.”

“Why do you constantly, permanently, want me to get in the way of danger so everyone I love gets to suffer like me?! What have I done to you to deserve this, why do you _hate_ me?!”

There was a hand in his shoulder and soon Dirk found himself being wrapped in a hug, as his cheeks got wet with repressed tears that had been wanting to be spilled for a very long time. Todd ran his hands up and down his back, and he drowned his sobs in the flannel of his shirt.

But he didn’t suppress them. For so long Dirk had only wanted this, a chance to send it all away. Every thought, every moment that made the tightness in his chest go tighter and tighter, everything suffocating him was out now, and he couldn’t feel more _relieved_.

“It’s okay,” Todd whispered.

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it is. Dirk, we─”

“No, Todd,” Dirk shook his head, practically rubbing his face in Todd’s shoulder. “Nothing it’s okay, but... I’m fine with it.”

“But you-”

“I know,” he whispered. “But that’s the way things are meant to be. Not because I hate them means they’re going to change. For some reason, the Universe wants it that way, so... I suppose that’s what should happen. But thank you for this. It-it really helped.”

For a moment there was silence. Dirk had thought that saying that without seeing him, accepting his fate without facing his friend’s disapproval, would be easier. But now he wasn’t so sure…

“Fuck the Universe.”

“What?”

It had been so low, barely a whisper. Dirk wasn’t sure he heard him right.

“Fuck the Universe,” Todd repeated, louder this time. He put Dirk away, making him stand up and face him again. “Just like that, fuck it.”

“I don’t think you wanna say that,” Dirk warned cleaning the remaining tears from his eyes.

“What is it going to do? It doesn’t control my life.”

“Well, technically it controls _all_ of our lives...”

“Well, screw it,” Todd said roundly, like if his word was the final answer. “I don’t care, it’s hurt you it─ It’s done all of this to you. And I don’t care about anything or anyone that dares to hurt my friends.”

Dirk let a small smile slip past his lips. Todd returned the gesture before looking up at the sky.

“Do you hear that, Universe?!” he shouted. “Screw. You!”

“Todd, what are you doing?” Dirk asked, but the amusement couldn’t escape from his tone.

“I’m saying what everyone thinks,” he declared simply. Then he threw his head back, opening his arms by his sides and shouting again, “Fuck the Universe!”

Dirk muffled a laugh with his hand as Todd motioned at him to join him.

“C’mon, say it with me.” He raised his arms in the air and shouted, “Fuck the Universe!”

Dirk laughed before closing his eyes as tightly as he could and yelling, “Fuck the Universe!”

“Fuck the Universe!”

“Fuck the Universe!”

“Fuck the Universe!”

They alternated their curses to the Cosmos until they heard someone else’s steps coming from the staircase.

“What the Hell are you doing here?” Farah was hugging herself to protect her bare arms from the chill wind.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Dirk asked back, feeling too much excitement in his veins to let her scowling face intimidate him.

“I called you a thousand times to check your progress with the paperwork and you didn’t answer. Not even once.”

Todd took his phone from his pocket and closed his eyes. “Crap.”

And Dirk’s phone was with the papers on the Agency. He could see why she would worry.

“What's all of this anyway?” she asked once more, waiting for a better answer this time.

“Cursing everything and everyone that bothers us,” Todd replied with his famous smirk. “You wanna join?”

“You mean… like when we were on the road trip?” she asked dubiously as she lifted an eyebrow.

“Yeah, exactly like that,” Todd nodded.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, now directing her question to both of them.

Todd looked at him, and Dirk knew he had an answer to that question.

“Everything,” he smiled openly, confusing Farah even more. “But we are trying to take control over it.”

“But what if the neighbours say something?”

“They already think we’re weird,” Todd shrugged. “I think after the six-legged dog case, there’s nothing that can really surprise them.”

Apparently that was reason enough for Farah to finally join them on their yelling therapy.

And it was fun. It really was. Everything was easier with both of them there, making all his worries flow out of him in the shape of mean words towards the omnipresent force that guided their lives.

And for once, it felt like things could finally start to be fine.

There would always be problems, and Dirk knew that. He couldn’t keep the bad stuff from happening, and he knew for sure there’d be more occasions like this one in his future. He wasn’t against that. That was how the Universe worked.

But for now, he was content with enjoying the little peace he had. And he knew that when he had a situation like this again, there’d be two amazing people by his side to help him get over anything that could get in his path.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this fic when I was feeling bad, so technically it was for my eyes only, but after a good debate with my sister and several reads I decided to share it with you. I hope you liked it <3


End file.
